A product of Schweppe Fiction Incorporated, USA, US PAT OFFICE, 2012
The characters and events depicted in this story are strictly fictitious. Any similarity to ACTUAL PERSONS, living, dead, or who happen to be turning 50 years old, is all purely coincidental and cannot be attributed to any deliberate or other such malicious intent. Attempting to successfully compare the fictitious characters in this story to real persons is pure folly and about as likely to succeed in proving as winning the freakin Powerball tomorrow! Should the reader reach such unfortunate negative conclusions or worse, their legal options will be severely limited. Any other intended punitive efforts may include perhaps a brief rude prank call or slashed tires. However, such hopelessly useless retaliations represent merely a petty ineffective expression of said subject’s outrage and will have no impact on the author whatsoever.
-Disclaimer copyright per Sheister, Chisler, and Sheister Law Partners, Esquire LLC, Philadelphia Pennsylvania, 2012
Once upon a time…long ago in a mountainous green misty fisher cat infested forest far far away, there was a house occupied by just one woman. Her name was Gwenda and she kept her home in such perfect appearance and cleanliness that few dared to venture inside it for fear of making it dirty. Day after day, Gwenda toiled to sweep carpets, vacuum drapes, wipe counters, wash windows, reorganize her refrigerator, wipe down the cabinets, mop the kitchen floor, and dust anything that didn’t move. Even though she allowed animals to roam the house, Gwenda somehow managed to keep the décor in perfect cleanliness. Her dogs and cats were forced to live on the back deck or slunk in dark corners as to minimize their polluting nature which she loathed. Gwenda had a husband and two children, but they lived in another house several miles away because they could not stay clean enough to satisfy Gwenda’s demands. Sometimes her husband, Neil, would visit the house in spite of her protest (…he was a very stubborn man who drove fast recreational vehicles).
Gwenda’s zeal to purge all filth frightened her friends and the villagers of EnosFallmus as well. Sadly, her obsession was to the point that no one visited her anymore. Since neighbors’ homes were not nearly so clean, Gwenda refused to visit them. Thus, she lived a lonely life of collecting high price kitchen appliances, smoking cigars, and sewing smocking patterns of cleaning tools on alpaca sweaters. The good news with her lonely existence was that Gwenda baked the most fabulous breakfast scones ever made and was able to stay in contact with people from a distance as they came from near and far to eat her famous baked goods. Still, she was lonely and carried a desperate secret in her heart. As much as Gwenda wanted everything to be clean, she longed even more so to be free of the drudgery of working so hard to achieve such purity of her surroundings. One day, in a fit of bitter frustration while experimenting with hairspray on one of her cats to keep their dander down, Gwenda tripped and fell. The can of hairspray upon striking the floor, exploded, leaving her cat’s shed fur permanently glued on the wood floor. The mishap also destroyed the bottom edge of her new white drapes which had perfectly symmetrical patterns of two blue hoover vacuum cleaners. Oh, how she had worked so hard and for so long on those drapes! Gwenda’s exasperation spewed as dramatically as the hairspray had.
She cried out, “Uuuggh! Woe is me! Trapped in this abysmal daily drudgery. Oh how I WISH…Yes! If I had just one wish… I would wish for everything to be perfectly clean…FOREVER!!!”
Quite suddenly, a strange man appeared before her. He was about her height, mustached, caucasion, and wearing a multicolored lama hat with long bushy tassels. Although this strange man was somewhat overweight, he wore his extra body fat well in tasteful fashionable winter clothing.
Gwenda was completely startled, but managed to speak, “Who… Who.. are you?”
The lama-hatted man replied with a sly smile, “I am the Wizard of Bakersmarsh! I have heard your laments and have come to grant you any single wish you like!”
Gwenda said, “But how is this possible? What are you? Why me?”
The Wizard replied, “I am an enchanted creature of this region who has magical powers to grant wishes to anyone I so desire. The delicious scones you bake have impressed me for many these years. I heard your cry for help just now and determined that I would grant you a wish. You need now only to wish it!”
Gwenda said, “Oh wonderful Wizard of Bakersmarsh! The most precious wish of my life is to….”
But the Wizard interrupted with an enchanted disclaimer, “BE CAREFUL my child with what you wish for! I am a literal wizard who must grant the wish according to what words are used by the wisher. I can do nothing more and nothing less! Now.. What is it that you wish for?”
Gwenda paused for a moment, gathered her thoughts and uttered her wish, “I wish oh great wizard that everything be clean forever!!”
The Wizard of Bakersmarsh half-closed one eye, scratched his chin in deep concentration and then uttered the following incantation…
“World of constant pestilence, dirt, and debris… With perfect cleanliness you are now free!”
A brilliant flash of light engulfed Gwenda and all around her. Covering her eyes from the intense luminescence, Gwenda felt a kind of tingling run up and down her spine and then… She found herself once more in the hallway of her home. The Wizard of Bakersmarsh was nowhere to be seen. The hairspray can on the floor was upright and intact. There was no hairspray mess, loose hair or stain on the draperies. In the far corner of the hallway sat the cat shivering. Gwenda shuddered. There was not one single hair on the cat’s body! Bootsy was completely naked! As Gwenda touched the drapes to see if any stain were on them, she felt the same tingling she had before when the Wizard did his enchantment. In fact, everything that Gwenda touched tingled. She realized that this was some kind of automatic cleaning magic. Although Bootsy’s hairlessness disturbed her, Gwenda suddenly felt exhilaration as she realized that nothing would ever be dirty again! Floors gleamed, cabinets shined and there was not so much as a single smudge on anything she could see.
Suddenly, the entire house shook and began leaning to one side. Gwenda screamed and gripped the nearby stair railing. The lurching movement stopped and Gwenda frantically ran outside to investigate. She looked in horror as the entire house sat precariously on just a couple large boulders and piles of rock underneath it. A vast chasm surrounded the house with a bare rocky outcropping in the backyard instead of a wooded hill. As far as her eye could see, there was nothing but rocky hills and boulders. Forests and fields were non-existent anymore. All the dirt and soil was gone!
Gwenda panicked, “Oh no! I wished for everything to be “clean”. The Wizard’s enchantment has removed all dirt from the world!”
Gwenda wasn’t feeling well at this point and rushed to the bathroom but there was NO toilet there. In fact, there was no tub or sink either! Why have washing receptacles if there was no dirt to wash off? The wish the Wizard had granted her was indeed complete and comprehensive!
Gwenda realized now that she had made a horrible mistake and cried out, “Please! Pleeeease great Wizard of Bakersmarsh! Take this terrible wish away and make everything as it was! I beg of you! I’ll do anything… ANYTHING to have all the dirt back as it was!”
All Gwenda could hear was the wind rustling over the barren rockscape. The air was crisp and empty of all smells. Gwenda wept all night. She could feel the magical tingling sensation of her dirty tears dry up and dissipate on her cheeks. How Gwenda longed for her world to be normal again. The seemingly endless cleanly night gave way to a spotless dawn with still no answer from the Wizard. Then, Gwenda smelled something stale and spoiled in the air. Nothing had changed, yet these ugly aromas wafted all around her. From a few miles away, a great dark wall formed and moved towards Gwenda’s house. At first it was too far away for Gwenda to understand what it was, but then the strange apparition drew nearer.
Gwenda leapt for joy, “Yes! Yes! It’s dirt! It’s a giant storm of dirt coming this way! Oh great Wizard… Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!”
The whirling wall of filth engulfed Gwenda’s home, filling every nook and cranny with dust, insects, grime and all other manner of dirtiness. In the midst of this great swirl, Gwenda ran outside and danced all about the yard in joyous bliss. In the aftermath of the storm, Gwenda found her home once more planted solidly on soil. Bootsy had her fur back and the can of hairspray lay ruptured with messy contents all over the floor. The nearby drapes were ruined. The toilet was back as well as the tub and sink. Upon seeing all of this, Gwenda wept with joy and laid down on the soot that now covered one of her favorite rugs. As she happily wallowed amidst the welcome filth, the Wizard appeared once more before her.
The Wizard said, “Greetings again my child! I have reversed your wish and restored what had been. I ask only one thing of you…”
“What’s that?” said a blissful Gwenda.
“That you supply me forever with your best most scrumptious scones!” he declared.
Gwenda replied, “Oh great Wizard of Bakersmarsh… I shall do so for your gracious gesture, but I ask only one more thing of you before you go…”
“What’s that?” said the Wizard puzzling.
“Can you please pick up that damn messy can of hairspray and throw it out for me?”
The Wizard did as she asked.
Gwenda lived happily ever afterwards… that is, after the Wizard picked up the messy hairspray can for her…
Two weeks later, Gwenda’s husband Neil and daughters Enid and Retisha all moved back in and helped her keep up with all the daily scone deliveries she had to make to the Wizard of Bakersmarsh. The scones baking kept Gwenda so busy that she never got a chance to relapse in to her cleaning obsession again. Smart Wizard!